Best Way to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Weight? Don't.
How do we raise body-confident daughters?
Raising a child with a strong sense of self-esteem and body confidence is no small feat in this diet-crazed world.
Unfortunately, girls start picking up messages very early from a society that values thinness over health, which can shape their perceptions and feelings of self-confidence over time.
If you are confused by messages in the media about health, dieting, weight, and the non-diet approach - and if all the noise about weight, body positivity and dieting complicates the conversations you have with your daughter about health - you’re not alone.
Our diet-crazed culture promotes weight loss as the number one path to good health. And the non-diet approach seems too good to be true.
So which is it?
Can children still be healthy if we let them follow their own hunger and fullness signals?
Shouldn’t we educate kids on which foods to eat and which to avoid so they don’t gain too much weight?
What if we’re worried about our child’s weight?
In my experience as a pediatric dietitian, “dieting” is not for children, and focusing on weight can be downright harmful.
We may be constantly bombarded with media messages promoting diet culture, but science shows that thinness doesn't automatically equal health or well-being.
Teens encouraged to lose weight by parents have a higher risk of overweight or obesity, dieting, binge eating, engaging in unhealthy weight control behaviors, and having a negative body image.
The reality is that all bigger body types aren’t necessarily unhealthy, and without weight-based stigma and shaming, most kids will outgrow heavier stages over time if the focus is on body acceptance and healthy lifestyle habits, rather than weight loss.
In this article, I break down why weight-related dieting is harmful for teen and tween girls. We’ll also talk about body-positive ways to teach our daughters about health while building self-esteem.
What weight tells us about a child’s health
The truth is, everyone's body shape is different and not all bodies fall within what is categorized as a "healthy" range on body mass index (BMI) and weight charts.
The number on the scale is the total weight of a person’s muscles, bones, organs, water, and fat. Body composition is the percentage of fat, muscle, and bone in the body. In contrast, BMI only considers total weight and height, not body composition.
Teen and tween weight gain is part of normal development and growth and variations in children's weight and body sizes are due to many factors, including genetics, physiological factors, eating behaviors, and the child's environment.
While following a child's weight and growth trajectory over time can tell us about their growth velocity, one isolated weight measurement doesn't give us much insight into the complexities of a child's health status.
Doesn’t weight management come down to eating less and exercising more?
According to several studies, weight isn't only a matter of eating less and moving more. There are many reasons why a child’s weight may be higher than the average for her age and height. Weight is affected by social determinants of health, access to food, PCOS, hypothyroidism, gut microbiota composition, certain medications, quality and duration of sleep, and more.
Did you know that losing weight is another cause of weight gain?
According to research, about 80% of people regain weight after weight loss. And one review showed that after dieting, people are likely to gain even more than their starting weight.
Why focusing on weight is harmful for girls
We live in a society that prizes thin bodies and impossible beauty standards. Given the constant media messages rewarding slender women, girls are already more likely to be dissatisfied with their bodies. We’re also now learning more about the potential negative effects of social media on body image and eating disorders, especially in girls. In other words, tween and teen girls are still surrounded by a thin-bodied ideal that is unrealistic for most people, despite the efforts of the body positivity movement.
Sadly, some parents mistakenly assume this means that the best way to help their daughters live a happy, healthy life is to teach them early on to restrict calories and control weight gain.
A 2016 review actually found that parents focusing on a child’s weight didn’t prevent weight gain. In fact, it was associated with even more weight gain throughout childhood.
Parenting styles can indeed have a huge effect on both a child's nutrition and self-esteem, and focusing on weight can cause both psychological and physical harm and increase the risk of negative body image and eating disorders.
In fact, criticizing or commenting on a daughter's body size or weight can cause a child to hear and internalize that her body isn't good enough and that it needs to change, often causing lasting, deeply harmful effects on her well-being, health, and long-term relationship with food.
Increased risk of disordered eating and eating disorders
Focusing on a tween or teen girl’s weight increases her risk of disordered eating.
In a 2019 study, binge eating was associated with body dissatisfaction in women. In that study, women with a negative body image had a higher risk of weight gain, binge eating, and eating disorders than men.
Eating disorders are complex.
There are many reasons why one girl develops an eating disorder and another does not. But, perceived body size and body dissatisfaction often play a large role.
According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD), 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. And 35-57% of adolescent girls crash diet, fast, engage in self-induced vomiting, and use diet pills or laxatives.
Eating disorders are psychological disorders, but they are detrimental to a young girl's physical health. For example, severely cutting calories can delay puberty and cause bone loss.
Sadly, eating disorders also have the highest mortality rate of mental health disorders, including opioid overdoses.
Risks of “Dieting” in Kids and Teens
Nutrient deficiencies and a long-term negative relationship with food are risks of self-directed dieting in young girls and teens.
Ideally, kids learn within families how to eat a variety of foods, enjoy their meals, connect with others while eating, and self-regulate intuitively so that they have the tools they need to make healthy choices throughout life.
But, diets don’t tend to teach children healthy eating habits. In fact, the opposite.
Instead, kids lose touch with their inner hunger and fullness cues. Dieting teaches kids that some foods are "good" and others are "bad." And this sets children up for a cycle of on/off dieting, weight cycling, and larger amounts of potential weight gain over time.
Kids and teens are still growing and have higher nutrient and calorie needs.
Micronutrients like iron, calcium, and vitamin D are vital in childhood, but let's not forget about the macronutrients. Teens and tweens also need healthy fats, lean protein, and complex carbohydrates for energy, healthy brain function, hormone health, and muscle repair.
Restricting the amount of food a child eats or eliminating food groups to cut calories puts growing children at risk of nutrient deficiencies which can negatively affect cognitive and physical development.
Does this mean we shouldn’t role model, support, and encourage healthy lifestyle habits in kids and teens? Or deny kids and teens struggling with obesity access to evidence-based, supervised treatments that treat the whole child while combating weight stigma and minimizing risks of disordered eating?
No. It’s the targeted dieting meant to reduce the number on the scale that is often a gateway to harmful and dangerous outcomes.
The role of Body Image in Kids and Teens
Body image affects how girls view their bodies, fuel themselves with food, appreciate or hate their curves, and enjoy or dread exercise.
Girls develop a negative body image for a variety of reasons including:
Criticism about their appearance, body, or weight
Being teased or bullied about their appearance
Images in the media that make kids feel bad about they look in comparison
Being underweight, overweight, or obese
While weight may be a factor in how girls feel about their bodies, it appears that weight stigma is more likely to blame. According to one study, body positivity was tied to how women perceived their bodies, not the result of the number on the scale, BMI, or body shape.
As a mom of 3 girls, I've seen first-hand the power that positive body image and self-esteem have to fuel overall wellness.
Body-Positive Ways to Support a Girl’s Health
If you’re concerned about your daughter’s weight and want to help without harming, what can you do?
It’s always helpful to first take a long look at our own goals. Do you want your daughter’s body to look a certain way because diet culture tells us it should? Are you concerned about how her weight reflects on you?
According to the Office of Women’s Health, a healthy body image is feeling comfortable in your body and feeling good about the way your body looks. Everyone can benefit from feeling more body positivity!
Body positivity is about inclusion, not about promoting obesity. There is no need to choose between health or a non-diet approach.
If your goal is to support your daughter’s overall well-being, don’t focus on her weight. Start by building her self-esteem. Here’s how…
8 body positive strategies to promote health in tween and teen girls:
1. Focus on healthy lifestyle habits instead of talking about weight
2. Focus on healthy food choices that provide energy, support good moods, and fuel strong bodies, rather than "diet food for weight loss."
3. Make family meals a priority. Eat as many family meals together as you can - simply eating together is one of the most powerful tools out there!
4. Encourage her to relish sweets and treats without shame or guilt.
5. Focus on mindful eating, variety, and how to listen to her hunger and fullness cues instead of trying to control and restrict her food intake.
6. Encourage physical activities you can do together as a way to gain strength, have fun, and feel happy and energized, rather than focusing on physical activity for calorie burning.
7. Role model healthy habits, self-love, and self-care instead of talking about your own weight loss struggles in front of her.
8. Experiment with delicious ways to provide foods with key nutrients and invite her to get involved in meal prep and planning, so she can discover a variety of new foods that pique her interest.
What am I missing? Share in the comments below!
Final Thoughts
As a both a dietitian and mom of 3 girls, I witness often the ways that we imprint on our daughters a template for how they will view their own bodies, how they will fuel themselves with food, whether they will appreciate or hate their bodies and whether they'll consider exercise a punishment or a celebration of life.
Your role as a parent is important! Let’s help our teens and tweens move comfortably through the growth spurts of childhood and adolescence so that they can confidently settle into the natural weight they are meant to be.
Do you have body-positive strategies focusing on healthy choices that have worked for you and your daughters? Please share in the comments below…
For more tips on feeding kids, grab my FREE guide to reducing picky eating, and if you are looking for help navigating picky eating behaviors in your toddlers, preschoolers, and school-age kiddos, check out my online course, Solve Picky Eating, a self-paced set of 12 modules that are delivered quickly in 5-15 minute videos.
And if you're looking for personalized nutrition support for yourself, your babies and/or your kids, I am currently accepting new clients in my virtual private practice. Looking forward to meeting you online…
